Saturday, April 19, 2014

Wisdom Teeth

I will no longer die whole. At least before, I had only been augmented, but now my body has been fragmented and taken apart. I will not longer die whole. I am still deciding how to feel about that. It is strange, thinking about death, I know. It is morbid that something that essentially has nothing to do with it has made me think about it. But there is really more to the thought than itself.
I have come to realize what my anxiety is really about (more on that later) and it has in a way helped. It might be time to ask for real help. But for now...
On the drive there, I felt it coming. I couldn't stop it. I tried. I tried really hard, but it just took over me like a wave trampling me at the beach. I saw it coming, I even felt it, but it was too late. I walked in the building and I knew it was game over. Except, this time I couldn't indulge. So I found reason and strength hiding at the bottom of my purse and walked in to the room. It took less than a minute to get the IV on and the heart monitor, then the anesthesia. I only remember asking what that (being the anesthesia) was and I was told it was just oxygen, then I woke up. Numb, tired and asking everyone if that was what being high felt like because I had not point of reference.
Then, I went home and eat disturbing amounts of ice cream for the next three days. Recovery is still a little while away as there is still blood and pain. But I will arrive at my destination soon. In the meantime, let me go get more ice cream...


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