Friday, December 6, 2013

The Type of Love I Can Offer

I am pretty sure I miss you more than I love you. I am sure everyone thinks that is a crazy statement. But the type of love they speak of is one I have only had for travel and literature. I wonder how they can so fervently proclaim to truly be capable of loving another human being to such degree as to be able to give their lives up for someone else's happiness. I do not understand. I simply know I cannot love that way. I am barely capable of loving myself and even at that I fail. Often.
The type of love I can offer is not the type people plaster all over the heavens via some pyrotechnic lights. I cannot offer you blinding neon colors of a love that is just too big to be contained. But I can offer you the military greens, the midnight blues and the sunset burgundies that blend in with life. You will know it is there, but some days you might not be able to see it.
The type of love that I can offer doesn't have the passion that I can dedicate to planning a trip or making the pages of a book come to life while I read it. But I am certain I will miss you during my trips whether I am a car ride away or across the world and while I am reading my book in a coffee shop corner. I can always blame you for not joining me, but it is never your fault.
I can offer you a love that grows slowly. While everyone is already moving in together and getting married, we might not even be spending a whole night together.
I can offer you the type of love where I will drag you out of bed on the weekends to watch the sunrise. We will play chess and drink coffee after the sky has painted itself blue.
I cannot offer you full nights of passion. But I can offer you a few hours spread across the week that you will never forget. I can also offer you evenings of cuddles. I can offer you soft kisses. I can offer you nights of take out instead of nights at the bar or the club and I promise we can make it fun.
I can offer you days we will fight. But even those days we will spend together.
I can offer you moments and even days when you will doubt my love for you. But I hope you know that it is just my inability to show you how much I care. I can also offer you rare days when I will keep reminding you precisely how much I do care, but know that the days when I don't do not mean the feelings are gone. The voices in my head telling me stories that keep me occupied do not mean I love you less. Those days I love you more but I am unable to express it frozen by fear of your reaction.
I am only afraid of being right. The voices in my head tell me one day what I can offer you won't be enough and I hope that day I can be the person to offer you more. But you might decide to find someone else, someone who can offer you the type of love you have always given me and which I was unable to return. But that is the day you will know how much I really care because I will miss you like nobody has ever missed you and nobody ever will. I will even write whole books about the days you spent by my side and the days you never will. ©11.8.13


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