Sunday, December 16, 2012

Anxiety

I still remember that night of years past when I had an anxiety attack of horrible proportions. I don't have a memory of experiencing such a thing before that, but that night was definitely not fun. It still haunts me. It might haunt me forever.
Last night, it happened again. I am still wondering why. I kept lying to myself about being fine and in that way I kept lying to V, who had come over to visit, about being fine. I kept finding excuses for why I felt that way that had nothing to do with being anxious. I thought I was cold. I thought my blood pressure was down. I thought I just needed to relax a little. I thought... I thought... I thought so many things, but nothing was true. I finally had to admit it. It was happening again. Inexplicably and unstoppable. I was suffering another anxiety attack.
I have known there is something wrong for a while because I can't sleep and I don't know why. It is as if I am scared of sleep itself. I am not sure if it makes sense, but if I catch myself falling asleep I open my eyes startled and actively think about not falling asleep. Of course, I do sleep, but it takes a while to reach that comatose state of vivid hallucinations from which I almost always suffer amnesia in the morning. I do remember some mornings, however. Nightmares some mornings and others pleasant dreams. Perhaps the anxiety attack was only a matter of time, but I wonder why. I wonder what had me so worried or stressed that triggered what had been bottling up inside to explode.
I need to make a commitment to myself that I will dedicate more time to my health: physical, mental and otherwise. I cannot allow another anxiety attack to occur. I know it is far fetch as this hasn't happened in almost three years that I would be diagnosed with some sort of disorder other than my self diagnosed OCD, but I don't want to run any risks.
I know this could be good material for my autobiography, but seriously that is not the way to go. I don't want to be published because I went crazy. I want to be published because I produce good work.

xo,R
©2012

1 comment:

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xo,R