Thursday, March 25, 2010

Forgotten Sanity

On the night of my birthday I went completely insane for about thirty minutes. I have yet to understand what happened between leaving the house and walking to my car when a rather strange feeling took over me. But I drove. I felt uneasy but I figured it would pass. Well, it didn't. It only became worse as I drove further to the point of requiring my return home. I simply could not keep driving. I feared. I feared my car. I feared the place I was going to. I feared the freeway. I feared the lights. I feared myself. I feared for my life. So I did what any reasonable person in full use of the six senses known to the body would have done: exit the freeway and return home. Overreaction on my part? Perhaps. Being back home and feeling safe, so to speak: Priceless, and confusing.
I admit I cried upon returning. The tears ran down my cheeks without giving me time to even realize it. My ability to breath threatened to abandon me. Time kept ticking and a few long minutes later when I realized I would have already been at the restaurant had I not returned, I had reached a state of extreme confusion for whatever I had just experienced.

Emotions are such a burden. They do not leave space for clarity. They are also unquantifiable which prevents a way to even prove their existence. But they have a twisted power. A kind of influence. They drive those who experience them to act in certain ways that perhaps would not be the so called normal response were it not for those emotions one feels. The ability to feel such abstractions is, of course, subjective and unorthodox.
The fear I felt was an emotion so powerful that I returned home. But even more so, I like to think it was a thing people call intuition. Intuition is the so called sixth sense. It is an instinct of survival. It is supposed to drive those who can listen to it into better paths/opportunities. Intuition is a sacred art of following one's instincts. Yet, it seems so out of this world that some feeling of uneasiness, or of peace, would have such power. So I find myself asking why. Why did I return home if I was not driving recklessly and I had been looking forward to that outing all day? I might never fully understand or know at all what caused me to return. When one does not believe in destiny, this question is more complex than it appears. As difficult as it was to return, why am I not compelled to follow this intuition when I have a good so called feeling about something or why not listen to it every time I have a negative feeling as superficial as it might sometimes be. Those are questions for a lifetime.
In any case, I might very well be wrong and instead of having been insane that night, I might have just been as sane as I would never be again. Intuition is perhaps a forgotten sanity.


xoxo,
R

©Copyrighted 2010


p.s. Thanks VB for giving me the opening line...

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE IT! your whole take on your experience was beAUTIful. Your honesty made it raw and real. Good job mujer! your challenged yourself and look what you came up with - a wonderful piece of art.

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